A week to live. (Confession of Depression)

Depression

I have lived with depression since I was a teenager, although I didn't know that until I was 40. I thought it was just my mix of being an extrovert/introvert. That and the blanket of silence that stifled any talk of depression among men, the heavy grey lives that edged closer and closer to the solution of a shotgun or fatal 'single car' accident.

I'm writing this now in my own home, with my wife and daughter close by, Spring is just starting and my diary has things to do in it for the next few weeks. But not long ago I none of these things. I was homeless, had lost my family and gave myself one week to live. My story is not uncommon.

Loss is a major component of depression, and it starts with losing the truth. Your brain lies to you, telling you black is white, and white is black. I believed that no-one loved me, no matter what they said, as there was absolutely nothing about me that was at all lovable. My sense of self worth had been sucked into the black hole that also took my humor, my smile,  and worst of all, my hope. When I lost all sense of hope, that was when the inevitability of suicide was most in my thoughts.

The lies that were in my head drove me down a road that had no turn-offs. It was a lie that my wife didn't love me, but I believed it to be true. It was a lie that I was worthless, that there was no glimmer of value or good in me, but that's what I believed. It was a lie that I had no choices left in my future, that killing myself was just a matter of time, but I was heading there without slowing down or seeing a way out.

My world was shrinking without mercy. I no longer felt welcome or comfortable in my home, the only place I felt I was tolerated was in the middle of the couch, any other place made me feel I was an unwelcome intruder and in the way. All these feelings were lies that depression was telling me, but to me it was truth.

Being so badly depressed affected all areas of my life, I ran my own business, and that went down the drain, as I had no energy or inclination to keep it working. I felt I was a failure there as well. My friends were hurt by my 'attitude' and to this day I have lost some through those times. I don't give any the blame, as I know how low I got, but it was just another example of how I had no glimmer of light or happiness in my life. Everything was broken.

And now comes the hardest part to write about. With darkness all around, I was awakened one day by some light and warmth, given to me by a lady. Over months we tried to answer each others needs, and try to find some happiness with each other. When I look at other men who desert their wives and families and have an affair, I have had no sympathy for them, but now I was doing the same thing. I can blame depression, I can make excuses, but I can't change wrong into right. All I can do is accept what I did and grow from there. Some of my friends couldn't, and some reading this won't be able to either. We all have to go through our own journey, and no reader owes me loyalty anyway. I've had to come to terms with judgement, not the least because I judge myself harshly.

All that came crashing down, as it was bound to being built on damage and desperation, and I was worse off than ever. By that time I was living week by week in a caravan park, my income was so low I had to choose between rent and food. I believed that I had a week left before I would kill myself. To me that was just a fact in my mind, something that I would do next week. There was only one thing that would stop that from happening.

I called my wife, who I hadn't spoken with for six months. I had no idea what reception I would get, I didn't know if she would even want to talk to me.

I believed i had been without love for years, and I had tried to find hope where I could, but with hope gone, the desire to live was also stolen. I had just that once chance left, would my wife want me? If not, I had no reason to live.

And here's where I found the difference between hope and despair, love and disdain, life and death.

My hope was answered in ways that met and matched the darkness I had lived through. I was shown grace which was given as a gift of love to me. Healing began, and it had to take it's time. It was six months before I could smile. A year before I felt like being sociable with others. I made mistakes still. I should have changed doctors. Mine would not contemplate any medication for me. I went for years up and down though depression toughing it out without any help. It shouldn't be like that. Through it all my wife gave me room and time, no demands or recriminations. That was my rock, the love and non-judgemental acceptance I was given. I had enough judgement from myself, learning to accept and forgive myself has taken some years.

I am still alive. I am stronger now. I have an understanding and empathy for others that came the hard way. And I know that grace and love can defeat depression.

Choose Happiness

There's a lot of this going around….and as much as I like to see positiveness among people, I also like to see some balanced realism.

It's a bit like saying, choose slimness, or choose good health. Because many people aren't slim, and no matter their diet, won't be. And many people would love to be in perfect health, but their genetically shonky heart won't allow it.

Happiness is a byproduct, rather than a choice. Some find it easy to attain. Others wish they could taste a bit of it.

I've been suicidally depressed, and I've been happy. But I've never been able to hit a switch and flip from one to the other.

Ah, you say, but it's about making choices.

Let's get a bit real folks, when you are depressed, (and I'm not talking about feeling 'a bit low'), choosing to get up off the couch may be beyond you. Choosing to 'be happy' is out of the question.

These images are 'feel good' fluff. And to those who are deep in the pit of despair, insulting.

The 'foundation' of our behaviour, (the way we live) effects everything we do. And that foundation is our beliefs. What we do (our behaviour) springs from what we think (of ourselves and others). So if we change the way we think, we change the way we live. 

A lot of people stop there, thinking that's enough to enable you to 'choose happiness'. But, there's another level. What we think springs from what we believe. 

So we have to work on what our beliefs are. If a person believes they are unlovely, all their thoughts will be along those lines (I'm useless, I'll never be any good, no one can love me...) and their actions will follow those thoughts, self harm, eating disorders, depression, possibly suicide. 

So then, when a person can believe they are loved, their thoughts are uplifted, they think of themselves as of value, as precious, wanted, and they are able to think of others that way also. Their action follow their thoughts, they are happier, they participate in life, become more outgoing, look after themselves and so forth. 

It's not a quick fix (like 'choosing happiness'), but may require decent counselling, and the support of family and friends to change from one belief system to a better one.

Christmas Blues

The other day one of Australia's pre-eminent Christian musicians lamented "There are so few of us left". The feelings of despondency was akin to the complaint of Elijah (1 Kings 19:14) when he felt all alone, that there were no strong people of God left.

Of course, feelings are notoriously unreliable, and God had to remind Elijah that not only was he not alone, but there were 7000 others whom God had his hand on, and spurred Elijah on to get on with his work for God.

Feelings of alienation and loneliness can be amplified when you are in the company of those who are feeling joyous, happy and in the mood to celebrate. Those of us who get melancholy, or even depressed can find seasons like Christmas a real trial. With the public urging of 'goodwill to all men', and the tinsel cheerfulness of a holiday season in full swing, the advertisements full of happy glowing families and couples, the expectation that you too will be cheerful can be an overwhelming pressure.

And if you are a Christian, the fact that you would rather run a mile from the 'happy happy joy' crowd can make you feel like a fraud, a fake, a failure. You cringe at the idea of being in a group of laughing chattering optimists, so you avoid meetings, ignore invitations to events and stay well clear of anything that smells like a party. And you wonder, in self condemnation, "What's wrong with me?".

You are not alone in wanting to crawl into your shell and be alone at these times, you aren't the first to feel bereft of friendship, happiness, help and understanding. David wrote whole Psalms of abject loneliness and despair (Psalm 38, Psalm 88) with no light shining at the end of the tunnel, no nice happy ending. David knew times where he felt utterly alone and hopeless. 

Yet David also knew the truth of a God who would not leave him to the darkness, no matter what his feelings were like. David knew the difference between the feelings of despair and the truth of God's love for him.

All well and good for David, but what about us?

We are taught in the Bible that Jesus was our substitute sacrifice, taking the punishment of our sin on the cross, and freeing us from the wrath of God, bringing us into a new relationship, where God saw us as righteous through Christ. Yet there is more! 

Consider the loneliness that Jesus experienced. His followers, who had sworn black and blue to stick with him even to death, had all turned tail and run. There was no comforting words or presence during his torture and trial, no softening of the horror of the crucifixion, and when Jesus was at the depth of his torment, he felt the worst abandonment of all, crying out "My God, why have YOU forsaken me?". 

Christ went through the ultimate loneliness in his time of trial and need so that we never have to. Consider the promises that Jesus will 'never leave you or forsake you' (Hebrews 13:5), and 'The Father will give you another helper, that he may be with you forever' (John 14:16). These promises are real, and to be relied on much more than our feelings. 

All the punishment that our inbuilt sin had coming to it has been enacted on Jesus, and there is not a jot left for us to bear. We are now fully and completely in God's family and care, safe in the work of atonement made by Jesus. Feelings may come and go, but God's truth is what we can count on.

Tangled up in Blue

What is it about blues music? Is it the unabashed masculinity of the slow beats, or the honesty of the words that shine a light on pain and loss, or maybe its the power of the bass and the singer's voice stripping life back to the basics?


For many I've spoken to, hearing songs flavoured with grief, regret, acceptance and a touch of hope is a relief from the sugary bubble-gum pop on the airwaves. Blues lyrics are written from experience, and tell of a life lived, as opposed to the fantasy world of pop divas.


For men, hearing the truths that they have lived through being voiced by other men is liberating. The feeling that we have a voice, and can be heard among all the overly sweet offerings of manufactured plastic pop strikes deep into our spirit.


Some people have told me that listening to blues music isn't wise, as I'm subject to depression and when it hits, it hits hard. All I know is, blues songs tell a story that is familiar to me, stories that I can own. I don't feel dragged down, I feel found, understood and accepted.


And yes, I'm speaking from a guy's point of view, knowing full well that blues is not gender specific, and women can claim their fair share of wonderful blues numbers, many of which I also enjoy. The voices of Etta James, Deborah Coleman, Erja Lyytinen, Eve Monsees, Geeshie Wiley, Irma Thomas, Jessie Hemphill and Joanna Connor are also voices of honesty and strength. 

Yet men need to hear from other men. Men need to hear straight truth, and need to know that they are not alone in troubles. 


So bring on the blues, they can actually lift your spirits :)

Thought for the day

"You can't see

the Future

when you're looking

at your Feet"

On a human level, illnesses, both physical and mental, can narrow your world and squeeze out avenues of help, which may include your family, close friends, enjoyment of work and recreation, and even rest.
Being a sufferer of depression, I know first-hand the way the world turns gray, and hope vanishes. The mind thinks only of loss, loathing and despair. It requires a concerted effort to remember that the sun still shines!
As a Christian, there are many examples in the Bible of God's followers who found themselves in that gray pit of hopelessness called depression. As a consequence, there are many verses of hope, help and happiness to counter these experiences. God wants us to exist in His hand and grace.
Our past has been dealt with by the meeting of God's justice and grace. Our present is shepherded in His way, with His care and attention. Our future is secure and already built in His love.
Our reality then, is beyond the reach and taint of circumstantial setbacks, and nothing can take us out of God's hand.
No matter our feelings, when we look UP, our Father God holds us secure.

Feeling Flat...

One study has said that one Australian in eight suffers from depression. That's 2.5 million Australians. By any description, that is a major problem today.

This post is for the seven out of eight who don't go through depression, but who will know someone who does. I just want to give a small insight into how they might feel at times.

In the Bible, a verse in 1 Kings says "he himself went a days journey into the wilderness, and sat under a tree, and prayed that he would die...". When you have depression, you may get to the stage of feeling your life was of no value at all, and you would rather be dead, that it be all over. I've been there myself, and luckily have made it back.

Depression can rob you of all happiness, all liveliness and all hope. You can feel completely drained and flat, seeing nothing of worth to stay alive for anymore.


When you feel that way, you have no energy left. No energy for being active (physical excercise can combat depression), no energy for positive thinking, and even no energy to move and sustain life (to get up, to eat, to be with others).

Each person who has severe depression needs to learn how to cope with these times. And their friends need to know that you can't 'just snap out of it'.

If by any chance you are reading this and are going through depression and feel you need help, then contact me - gcarrick@gmail.com - and I will be able to send out a booklet written by Ray Ewart, a very respected and wise friend of mine, which may be able to help you.