A week to live. (Confession of Depression)

Depression

I have lived with depression since I was a teenager, although I didn't know that until I was 40. I thought it was just my mix of being an extrovert/introvert. That and the blanket of silence that stifled any talk of depression among men, the heavy grey lives that edged closer and closer to the solution of a shotgun or fatal 'single car' accident.

I'm writing this now in my own home, with my wife and daughter close by, Spring is just starting and my diary has things to do in it for the next few weeks. But not long ago I none of these things. I was homeless, had lost my family and gave myself one week to live. My story is not uncommon.

Loss is a major component of depression, and it starts with losing the truth. Your brain lies to you, telling you black is white, and white is black. I believed that no-one loved me, no matter what they said, as there was absolutely nothing about me that was at all lovable. My sense of self worth had been sucked into the black hole that also took my humor, my smile,  and worst of all, my hope. When I lost all sense of hope, that was when the inevitability of suicide was most in my thoughts.

The lies that were in my head drove me down a road that had no turn-offs. It was a lie that my wife didn't love me, but I believed it to be true. It was a lie that I was worthless, that there was no glimmer of value or good in me, but that's what I believed. It was a lie that I had no choices left in my future, that killing myself was just a matter of time, but I was heading there without slowing down or seeing a way out.

My world was shrinking without mercy. I no longer felt welcome or comfortable in my home, the only place I felt I was tolerated was in the middle of the couch, any other place made me feel I was an unwelcome intruder and in the way. All these feelings were lies that depression was telling me, but to me it was truth.

Being so badly depressed affected all areas of my life, I ran my own business, and that went down the drain, as I had no energy or inclination to keep it working. I felt I was a failure there as well. My friends were hurt by my 'attitude' and to this day I have lost some through those times. I don't give any the blame, as I know how low I got, but it was just another example of how I had no glimmer of light or happiness in my life. Everything was broken.

And now comes the hardest part to write about. With darkness all around, I was awakened one day by some light and warmth, given to me by a lady. Over months we tried to answer each others needs, and try to find some happiness with each other. When I look at other men who desert their wives and families and have an affair, I have had no sympathy for them, but now I was doing the same thing. I can blame depression, I can make excuses, but I can't change wrong into right. All I can do is accept what I did and grow from there. Some of my friends couldn't, and some reading this won't be able to either. We all have to go through our own journey, and no reader owes me loyalty anyway. I've had to come to terms with judgement, not the least because I judge myself harshly.

All that came crashing down, as it was bound to being built on damage and desperation, and I was worse off than ever. By that time I was living week by week in a caravan park, my income was so low I had to choose between rent and food. I believed that I had a week left before I would kill myself. To me that was just a fact in my mind, something that I would do next week. There was only one thing that would stop that from happening.

I called my wife, who I hadn't spoken with for six months. I had no idea what reception I would get, I didn't know if she would even want to talk to me.

I believed i had been without love for years, and I had tried to find hope where I could, but with hope gone, the desire to live was also stolen. I had just that once chance left, would my wife want me? If not, I had no reason to live.

And here's where I found the difference between hope and despair, love and disdain, life and death.

My hope was answered in ways that met and matched the darkness I had lived through. I was shown grace which was given as a gift of love to me. Healing began, and it had to take it's time. It was six months before I could smile. A year before I felt like being sociable with others. I made mistakes still. I should have changed doctors. Mine would not contemplate any medication for me. I went for years up and down though depression toughing it out without any help. It shouldn't be like that. Through it all my wife gave me room and time, no demands or recriminations. That was my rock, the love and non-judgemental acceptance I was given. I had enough judgement from myself, learning to accept and forgive myself has taken some years.

I am still alive. I am stronger now. I have an understanding and empathy for others that came the hard way. And I know that grace and love can defeat depression.

Life is....

If you spend much time trawling the internet, or hanging out on social media sites, you will no doubt have come across things like these....

Pithy one-liners that try to be the answer to life...

As a designer, I have to admit they present themselves well, altho the style is copied again and again - just include a teen girl, some bokeh light-play, pastel colours and try to use helvetica.

Where they fall short is the actual advice. None of these quotes will answer the quandaries that the world faces.

So what, if anything, will?

In Matthew 22, Jesus gets tested by the religious leaders of the day as they try to trap him: Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law,tested him with this question:  “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

One word. One word that covers the ills and evils of people, that can turn the misfortunes of individuals and nations into blessings.

Love.

Not justice, or even mercy, not self or even sacrifice. Love.

On an individual level, love will replace selfishness with care for others, will make kindness and compassion shape our words and deeds, will open our eyes to the worth of every person.

On a psychological level, we would eradicate depression, anxiety and fear. Love would calm and reassure us.

On a social level, we would have no crime, we would have no need for law. We would have no need for lawyers, courts and jails. 

On a national level, love will stop the displacement of whole communities of people, wiping out the worldwide problem of refugees. Love will redirect the trillions spent on war into food, health and education needs. Love will negate the warped need to have 'Homeland Security' treat us all as suspect.

The words revenge, selfishness, jealousy, hate and terror would not exist.

On a spiritual level, we would be able to understand God, who is Love. We would be able to commune with God and be fearless in His presence.

For love is not a warm fuzzy feeling, but a fiery burning force that works through action. Love is a verb.

Forgive and Forget?

Forgiving someone of a  wrong they have done you can be very healing, both for them and for yourself. You no longer have to carry around that load of hurt, day after weary day. 

Sometimes we are told we should 'forgive and forget', which sounds all noble and good, but is it really good advice, or even do-able?

We may have grown up being told this from the pulpit, held up to us as an 'ideal' we should aspire to, but where did this ideal come from? 

"For I will be merciful to their iniquities, And their sins will I remember no more." 

- Hebrews 8:12. 

Sounds like 'forgive and forget' doesn't it? Yet it isn't. God doesn't forget anything! Yet here He says He will remember our sins no more. There's a difference there, an act of will. An act of love.

God chooses to not bring our faults to mind, He chooses to not hold them before us, or hold them against us. He knows all about them, but puts them aside, "As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us." - Psalm 103:12.

What if we forget? A large part of our experience in life that brings us wisdom and maturity comes from remembering things we go through. If we forgot those things, we would being going backwards in our growing! We aren't asked to forgive and forget, but to emulate God's ideal, forgive the hurt and choose to not hold it against them.

It's still a tough act to follow, but it is an act of love.

OMG!

The account of the resurrection of Christ, as recorded in John 20 is probably a very well read scripture... but as I went over it again recently, a new thought occurred to me (new to me anyway).

Here we have a real OMG moment, and it brings vastly differing results to three people...

In the story, we have three characters, Mary Magdalene, Peter and John. They are very different people who all have a common experience, they are all witness to the open tomb of their Lord, yet their reactions are vastly different. For those who want it, here is the account from John's gospel:

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 ¹ Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. ² So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”

 ³ So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. ⁴ Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. ⁵ He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. ⁶ Then Simon Peter came along behind him and went straight into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, ⁷ as well as the cloth that had been wrapped around Jesus’ head. The cloth was still lying in its place, separate from the linen. ⁸ Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. ⁹ (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.) ¹⁰ Then the disciples went back to where they were staying.

 ¹¹ Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb ¹² and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

 ¹³ They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”

   “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” ¹⁴ At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

 ¹⁵ He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

   Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

 ¹⁶ Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

   She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”). 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, first up, we'll look at John, who was known as 'the disciple whom Jesus loved'. Here was a follower who's faith in Jesus was unflinching, built not on logic, persuasion or rhetoric, but love. He enters the opened tomb, sees the grave clothes neatly folded up, and immediately believes! He doesn't need to be led through the steps of what Jesus said and did to come to a conclusion, he understands straight away that Jesus is alive.

Next we have the much maligned Peter, a man who is at this point full of self-loathing, recrimination and has lost belief in himself. He is at such a low point mentally and emotionally that he has given up on himself as a follower of Jesus, and soon decides to throw it all in and go back to fishing as a living. He looks into the tomb, sees exactly what John has seen, and gets,... nothing. 

It won't be for another week before Peter has to face his 'demons', when Jesus gently re-validates him, and restores him strength and leadership through a showing of love and forgiveness.

Mary, who's back-story with Jesus has led her to a deep and abiding love for him as a man and her Lord, is devastated at the 'desecration' of the empty tomb. When she looks in, after Peter and John have run off to tell their story, she sees a new thing - two angels are now in the tomb, and she then encounters Jesus himself outside the tomb. Jesus gave her all she needed to give her the joy she would feel, just one word - he called her by her name. Mary needed that personal, close and intimate encounter to bring her into the truth.

The over-riding point I got from all this is, Jesus knows us intimately, knows how we think, knows what we believe, knows our strengths and our weaknesses. And he deals with us in just the way that heals.

Peter needed the time to think, to reach the depths and strip away his self-reliance, before he would accept a life of relying completely on Jesus. John simply needed to see a small thing to understand the larger picture, he already had built a relationship with Jesus out of love, the one true foundation for faith. Mary received from Jesus that direct personal encounter, a recognition of herself as a person, not just a part of the crowd.

Jesus knows just what you need to bring everything into perspective, to open your eyes, your heart and your mind. Of course, you won't get it if you're sitting on the couch not looking... have you run to the tomb and confronted a Jesus that is no longer dead and buried?

How small is God?

The conscious knowledge we have of the size and awesomeness of the universe affects our subconscious view of our place in the scheme of things. And when, like me, you grow up being told that God has a personal interest in you, yet you are learning how staggeringly vast the universe is, you begin to wonder, just who am I to a God who is so immense?

The most learned and quoted Bible verse, John 3:16, says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." This verse tells us that God can and does view and think about the whole world and all in it. We also learn, that God is able to centre on the individual, the 'whoever' that believes gains eternal life.

That's all well and good as far as theology goes, but how does that pan out in real life?

For that we need to look at 'the exact representation of God', Jesus Christ. 

If we look at the event of the crucifixion, we see amazing things happening. In Luke 23 we read "One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: 'Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!' But the other criminal rebuked him. 'Don't you fear God', he said, 'since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong'. Then he said, 'Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom'. Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise'."

Here was Jesus, fulfilling the plan to bring redemption to the world through becoming our sin on the cross, and some guy interrupts him with the request to gain God's favour! And the remarkable this is Jesus takes the time and effort to regard this one person even when He was dealing with the sin of the whole world! You can learn from this that Jesus is vitally interested in your salvation whenever you come to Him. He will never fob you off as being unimportant or a waste of His time.

Another amazing event that occurred during the crucifixion is seen in John 19. "Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing near by, he said to his mother, 'Dear woman, here is your son', and to the disciple, 'Here is your mother'. From that time on, this disciple took her into his home." 

In the middle of all His agony, Jesus looked to the practical needs of His people. Being a Christian isn't all about learning some set theology, or memorising set prayers by rote, it's all about your life. The whole of it. And Jesus showed He is interested in being allowed to help you in all areas, spiritual, physical, practical, emotional.. all of it. 

One of my favourite verses says "In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Jesus is to be Lord of all your life, not just some small compartment. 

Another lesson can be learnt after the resurrection, when Jesus had appeared several times to a variety of His followers. Thomas though, had missed out, and wouldn't take the word of the others that Jesus was alive. We all have doubts at times, and we sometimes need to have a personal experience of something before we can take it on board. Thomas had said (John 20), "Unless I see.. unless I feel..". Jesus sought Thomas out, and took the time to deal directly with the questions and doubts Thomas had. 

Jesus is directly aware and interested in how you are feeling and thinking, and He wants to answer your questions and doubts. Jesus at times wants us to believe in things that are yet to happen (such as our future with Him), but He never asked His followers to believe in the false or faulty. 

Jesus doesn't want brain-dead believers. He simply wants believers.

Through these events, we can see that Jesus is vitally interested in your salvation, you are very important to Him, and that is based on His love of you (For God SO LOVED the world)...

We also learn that Jesus is interested in helping us in the whole of our lives, including the day-to-day practical boring or troublesome stuff. 

And we learn that Jesus wants to answer our doubts, questions and queries we have.

What are you waiting for?....