A week to live. (Confession of Depression)

Depression

I have lived with depression since I was a teenager, although I didn't know that until I was 40. I thought it was just my mix of being an extrovert/introvert. That and the blanket of silence that stifled any talk of depression among men, the heavy grey lives that edged closer and closer to the solution of a shotgun or fatal 'single car' accident.

I'm writing this now in my own home, with my wife and daughter close by, Spring is just starting and my diary has things to do in it for the next few weeks. But not long ago I none of these things. I was homeless, had lost my family and gave myself one week to live. My story is not uncommon.

Loss is a major component of depression, and it starts with losing the truth. Your brain lies to you, telling you black is white, and white is black. I believed that no-one loved me, no matter what they said, as there was absolutely nothing about me that was at all lovable. My sense of self worth had been sucked into the black hole that also took my humor, my smile,  and worst of all, my hope. When I lost all sense of hope, that was when the inevitability of suicide was most in my thoughts.

The lies that were in my head drove me down a road that had no turn-offs. It was a lie that my wife didn't love me, but I believed it to be true. It was a lie that I was worthless, that there was no glimmer of value or good in me, but that's what I believed. It was a lie that I had no choices left in my future, that killing myself was just a matter of time, but I was heading there without slowing down or seeing a way out.

My world was shrinking without mercy. I no longer felt welcome or comfortable in my home, the only place I felt I was tolerated was in the middle of the couch, any other place made me feel I was an unwelcome intruder and in the way. All these feelings were lies that depression was telling me, but to me it was truth.

Being so badly depressed affected all areas of my life, I ran my own business, and that went down the drain, as I had no energy or inclination to keep it working. I felt I was a failure there as well. My friends were hurt by my 'attitude' and to this day I have lost some through those times. I don't give any the blame, as I know how low I got, but it was just another example of how I had no glimmer of light or happiness in my life. Everything was broken.

And now comes the hardest part to write about. With darkness all around, I was awakened one day by some light and warmth, given to me by a lady. Over months we tried to answer each others needs, and try to find some happiness with each other. When I look at other men who desert their wives and families and have an affair, I have had no sympathy for them, but now I was doing the same thing. I can blame depression, I can make excuses, but I can't change wrong into right. All I can do is accept what I did and grow from there. Some of my friends couldn't, and some reading this won't be able to either. We all have to go through our own journey, and no reader owes me loyalty anyway. I've had to come to terms with judgement, not the least because I judge myself harshly.

All that came crashing down, as it was bound to being built on damage and desperation, and I was worse off than ever. By that time I was living week by week in a caravan park, my income was so low I had to choose between rent and food. I believed that I had a week left before I would kill myself. To me that was just a fact in my mind, something that I would do next week. There was only one thing that would stop that from happening.

I called my wife, who I hadn't spoken with for six months. I had no idea what reception I would get, I didn't know if she would even want to talk to me.

I believed i had been without love for years, and I had tried to find hope where I could, but with hope gone, the desire to live was also stolen. I had just that once chance left, would my wife want me? If not, I had no reason to live.

And here's where I found the difference between hope and despair, love and disdain, life and death.

My hope was answered in ways that met and matched the darkness I had lived through. I was shown grace which was given as a gift of love to me. Healing began, and it had to take it's time. It was six months before I could smile. A year before I felt like being sociable with others. I made mistakes still. I should have changed doctors. Mine would not contemplate any medication for me. I went for years up and down though depression toughing it out without any help. It shouldn't be like that. Through it all my wife gave me room and time, no demands or recriminations. That was my rock, the love and non-judgemental acceptance I was given. I had enough judgement from myself, learning to accept and forgive myself has taken some years.

I am still alive. I am stronger now. I have an understanding and empathy for others that came the hard way. And I know that grace and love can defeat depression.

Life is....

If you spend much time trawling the internet, or hanging out on social media sites, you will no doubt have come across things like these....

Pithy one-liners that try to be the answer to life...

As a designer, I have to admit they present themselves well, altho the style is copied again and again - just include a teen girl, some bokeh light-play, pastel colours and try to use helvetica.

Where they fall short is the actual advice. None of these quotes will answer the quandaries that the world faces.

So what, if anything, will?

In Matthew 22, Jesus gets tested by the religious leaders of the day as they try to trap him: Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law,tested him with this question:  “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

One word. One word that covers the ills and evils of people, that can turn the misfortunes of individuals and nations into blessings.

Love.

Not justice, or even mercy, not self or even sacrifice. Love.

On an individual level, love will replace selfishness with care for others, will make kindness and compassion shape our words and deeds, will open our eyes to the worth of every person.

On a psychological level, we would eradicate depression, anxiety and fear. Love would calm and reassure us.

On a social level, we would have no crime, we would have no need for law. We would have no need for lawyers, courts and jails. 

On a national level, love will stop the displacement of whole communities of people, wiping out the worldwide problem of refugees. Love will redirect the trillions spent on war into food, health and education needs. Love will negate the warped need to have 'Homeland Security' treat us all as suspect.

The words revenge, selfishness, jealousy, hate and terror would not exist.

On a spiritual level, we would be able to understand God, who is Love. We would be able to commune with God and be fearless in His presence.

For love is not a warm fuzzy feeling, but a fiery burning force that works through action. Love is a verb.

Choose Happiness

There's a lot of this going around….and as much as I like to see positiveness among people, I also like to see some balanced realism.

It's a bit like saying, choose slimness, or choose good health. Because many people aren't slim, and no matter their diet, won't be. And many people would love to be in perfect health, but their genetically shonky heart won't allow it.

Happiness is a byproduct, rather than a choice. Some find it easy to attain. Others wish they could taste a bit of it.

I've been suicidally depressed, and I've been happy. But I've never been able to hit a switch and flip from one to the other.

Ah, you say, but it's about making choices.

Let's get a bit real folks, when you are depressed, (and I'm not talking about feeling 'a bit low'), choosing to get up off the couch may be beyond you. Choosing to 'be happy' is out of the question.

These images are 'feel good' fluff. And to those who are deep in the pit of despair, insulting.

The 'foundation' of our behaviour, (the way we live) effects everything we do. And that foundation is our beliefs. What we do (our behaviour) springs from what we think (of ourselves and others). So if we change the way we think, we change the way we live. 

A lot of people stop there, thinking that's enough to enable you to 'choose happiness'. But, there's another level. What we think springs from what we believe. 

So we have to work on what our beliefs are. If a person believes they are unlovely, all their thoughts will be along those lines (I'm useless, I'll never be any good, no one can love me...) and their actions will follow those thoughts, self harm, eating disorders, depression, possibly suicide. 

So then, when a person can believe they are loved, their thoughts are uplifted, they think of themselves as of value, as precious, wanted, and they are able to think of others that way also. Their action follow their thoughts, they are happier, they participate in life, become more outgoing, look after themselves and so forth. 

It's not a quick fix (like 'choosing happiness'), but may require decent counselling, and the support of family and friends to change from one belief system to a better one.

How small is God?

The conscious knowledge we have of the size and awesomeness of the universe affects our subconscious view of our place in the scheme of things. And when, like me, you grow up being told that God has a personal interest in you, yet you are learning how staggeringly vast the universe is, you begin to wonder, just who am I to a God who is so immense?

The most learned and quoted Bible verse, John 3:16, says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." This verse tells us that God can and does view and think about the whole world and all in it. We also learn, that God is able to centre on the individual, the 'whoever' that believes gains eternal life.

That's all well and good as far as theology goes, but how does that pan out in real life?

For that we need to look at 'the exact representation of God', Jesus Christ. 

If we look at the event of the crucifixion, we see amazing things happening. In Luke 23 we read "One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: 'Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!' But the other criminal rebuked him. 'Don't you fear God', he said, 'since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong'. Then he said, 'Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom'. Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise'."

Here was Jesus, fulfilling the plan to bring redemption to the world through becoming our sin on the cross, and some guy interrupts him with the request to gain God's favour! And the remarkable this is Jesus takes the time and effort to regard this one person even when He was dealing with the sin of the whole world! You can learn from this that Jesus is vitally interested in your salvation whenever you come to Him. He will never fob you off as being unimportant or a waste of His time.

Another amazing event that occurred during the crucifixion is seen in John 19. "Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing near by, he said to his mother, 'Dear woman, here is your son', and to the disciple, 'Here is your mother'. From that time on, this disciple took her into his home." 

In the middle of all His agony, Jesus looked to the practical needs of His people. Being a Christian isn't all about learning some set theology, or memorising set prayers by rote, it's all about your life. The whole of it. And Jesus showed He is interested in being allowed to help you in all areas, spiritual, physical, practical, emotional.. all of it. 

One of my favourite verses says "In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Jesus is to be Lord of all your life, not just some small compartment. 

Another lesson can be learnt after the resurrection, when Jesus had appeared several times to a variety of His followers. Thomas though, had missed out, and wouldn't take the word of the others that Jesus was alive. We all have doubts at times, and we sometimes need to have a personal experience of something before we can take it on board. Thomas had said (John 20), "Unless I see.. unless I feel..". Jesus sought Thomas out, and took the time to deal directly with the questions and doubts Thomas had. 

Jesus is directly aware and interested in how you are feeling and thinking, and He wants to answer your questions and doubts. Jesus at times wants us to believe in things that are yet to happen (such as our future with Him), but He never asked His followers to believe in the false or faulty. 

Jesus doesn't want brain-dead believers. He simply wants believers.

Through these events, we can see that Jesus is vitally interested in your salvation, you are very important to Him, and that is based on His love of you (For God SO LOVED the world)...

We also learn that Jesus is interested in helping us in the whole of our lives, including the day-to-day practical boring or troublesome stuff. 

And we learn that Jesus wants to answer our doubts, questions and queries we have.

What are you waiting for?....

Peace, man....

One thing we need in life that dissolves stress, anxiety, depression and doubt is an overwhelming sense of peace.

When we are at peace with each other, understanding, care, compassion and practical help blossoms. Imagine the benefits of being at peace with God! Self doubt, self judgement, soul-deep anxiety and stress would melt away, replaced by a calmness and relief that would change you from the inside out.

In Paul's letter to the church at Philippi (Philippians) he has some wonderful practical advice on how to attain that peace. Bear in mind he is writing to people who have already become believers and followers of Jesus.

In chapter 4 he sets the scene with expressions of love and care - 'my brothers', 'you whom I love and long for', 'my joy and crown', 'dear friends'. Paul knew the power of speaking the truth with love.

In verse 2 he deals with interpersonal bickering - 'I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord.' Paul doesn't take sides, but appeals to both parties to come to agreement and peace. He then calls on his trusted friend to smooth the way for this reconciliation. It is good to end divisions and restore friendships amicably. 

In verse 4 he reminds us of the bigger picture, our standing in Christ, and our response should be to naturally 'rejoice in the Lord always', rather than concentrate on petty differences among ourselves.

'Let your gentleness be evident to all' (v5), this is an outflowing from loving treatment of each other, where people see and note the way we interact.

'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.' (v6). Paul reminds us that we are dealing with and relying on the God of creation, the Lord of all, and our everyday lives are in His hand and under His care. Our stresses are self induced, we are to 'let go and let God'. Whatever you are worried about, you are to present to God to take care of, and when you hand over your worries, thanksgiving will flow from the joy of relief. We are not to bottle up our cares and concerns, but to share them with our loving Father, so they don't fester and burden us.

The direct result of this is an attainment of peace that comes from living in the will of God (v7). This peace is of such power that it permeates our hearts and minds. Our emotions, fears, yearnings, thoughts, beliefs and desires are all infused with peace. What a wonderful way to live! All by dealing with the day to day interactions of ourselves with others, making sure we heal differences, looking to our Lord in happiness out of what He has accomplished for us, treating each other with dignity, respect and love, and 'casting all your cares upon Him'.

But wait, there's more! Maintaining that outlook of inner peace in our hearts and minds is important. We don't just want a 'one-off' experience... So Paul gives us some advise on how to keep living in that peace.

'Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.' What do you feed your mind with? What words and images do you digest? It is good to choose to listen to songs and speech that uplifts yourself and others. It is good to contemplate scenes that are positive rather than denigrating or destructive. There are many things we have the power of choice over each day, and we would be wise to filter out the depressive and demeaning to concentrate on the affirming and uplifting.

Practice peace, and rejoice in the God of love.